my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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