just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
