tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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