My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
