ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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