Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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