Don't make out with my wife yet
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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