i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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