You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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