she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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