i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
