First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
