My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
porn star boner night. come get it.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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