I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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