Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
