Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
