just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
