just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
