the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
