My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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