I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
