We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
