I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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