found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
