Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize