Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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