I'm jealous of your bromance
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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