I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
