i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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