Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
