On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
