I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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