ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
