did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
