You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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