so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
