So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
