My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She bit a glass in half.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
