shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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