I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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