I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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