So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
