my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
