this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
What a dumb baby whore.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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