Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
operation have a gay friend backfired
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
