My balls are so social today.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
