i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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