I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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