Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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