so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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