I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
