I wanna passion pit in your ass
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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