I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
