remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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