I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She bit a glass in half.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
