Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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