He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
