Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize