I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
