The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
