I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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