There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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