I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
