She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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