Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
