Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
