ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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