Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I checked into jail on foursquare
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
