i just wanna soil my oats bro
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
