could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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