My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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